My Story of Walking Side-by-side with Grief & Pregnancy

Today, I'm beginning the unfolding of sharing my story. My story of being thrown into the depths of grief. While also being gifted with creating new life—all at the same time.

Losing a loved one is perhaps the most painful and strange experience we endure in this life. One minute we’re seeing that person, feeling that person, laughing with that person, and then suddenly, they’re gone. Even if their passing was not sudden, their physical existence is no longer here—in this realm.

Our hearts, which guide us through life by love, struggle to comprehend this sudden shift in physicality. A whisper from the heart is said over and over again, “but I still love them so much, where are they?” The mind then takes over trying desperately to explain to the heart what has happened. Together the heart and mind are left confused as they attempt to hold you up.

“Grief is largely this crashing again and again into a reality that can’t be real.”

— Megan Devine

This is how I’ve come to comprehend grief. A vast shift in reality that leaves you walking in circles, clutching to what you once knew.

The grief writer Megan Devine sums it up well: “grief is largely this crashing again and again into a reality that can’t be real.”

For anyone who has walked the path of grief knows the intensity of this crashing feeling. Especially in the early days. The pain feels unbearable and as though you’ll never be able to live in this reality without that person. Over time, however, the crashes become less intense and slowly you begin to pick yourself back up.

For me, a first step in learning to live in a world without my little brother meant remembering I’m still alive. That although a huge part of my heart has broken off and disappeared along with him, physically, I still exist in this plain. When I became his big sister at 5 years old, I immediately wanted to be his biggest role model. To do things that would make him proud. After losing him, I struggled to understand how I would be able to continue striving for him. But then it hit me, just because he’s no longer physically here, it’s his soul and my love for him that’s kept me striving. This yearning to continue to live for him has helped pick me up and kept me moving forward.

This is where my story of creating new life begins.

Before my brother passed, my husband and I had planned to start trying for a baby during Valentine’s Day weekend. We had a whole trip planned at one of our favorite Colorado mountain towns Glenwood Hot Springs. But when my brother passed suddenly on January 16th, 2021. We questioned whether it was too soon to go on the trip. We both decided that we needed to continue to live and if nothing else, a getaway would be good for us.

Sure enough, the weekend was beautiful. It was the first time I had truly felt joy and peace since my brother left and it gave us hope.

Now, flash to a couple of weeks later on February 27th, on what should have been my brother’s 25th birthday. We instead, held his Celebration of Life. An event no sister should ever have to host. Yet, this event marked an important stepping stone in our grief journey. To share with our community the pain, but also the beauty, that was knowing my brother, Ben, for 25 years.

“All the while, in the midst of the sadness, I knew something else was stirring in my body. Something beautiful and miraculous.”

Then a week after that, I celebrated my 30th birthday. My brother and I were 5 years apart in our age but 5 days apart on our birthdays. I was surrounded by my dearest friends who helped me laugh, cry, and support me as I entered into a new decade.

One without my brother. All the while, in the midst of the sadness, I knew something else was stirring in my body. Something beautiful and miraculous.

Early Sunday morning, three days after my birthday, and a week after missing my period. I took a pregnancy test. In no time at all, the word pregnant flashed on the screen of the ClearBlue stick. I stood in my bathroom as tears streamed down my cheeks. The tears came from a knowing that this path of grief had turned a corner and would be beginning a new journey. One of walking with both grief and joy all at once.

“I describe it as though I have grief on one side, holding my hand, and joy on the other side holding my other hand. Both grief and joy have walked alongside me as I’ve moved through all the sensations of pregnancy.”

I’ve now reached 27 days until our baby girl arrives. After these last 8 months, I’ve been presented with understanding one of life’s most miraculous phenomena—the full circle that is death and rebirth.

Each day that I’ve experienced pregnancy I’ve also experienced grief. I describe it as though I have grief on one side, holding my hand, and joy on the other side holding my other hand. Both grief and joy have walked alongside me as I’ve moved through all the sensations of pregnancy.

It has been a conscious choice to look at this juxtaposition as a gift. One that most never get to experience. I’ve been gifted with the unique opportunity to experience both life and death in the most vivid of forms. Though there have been many days that have felt unbearable and the pain feels too heavy to continue forward. The heart beating inside me has been a reminder that there is something so much bigger than me. This knowing has kept me in step with this dance of joy and grief.

I’ve learned many things on this journey. I’ve learned what true resilience is, how to have courage, to believe in hope, and most important of all, how deeply precious life is. My hope in sharing this story is to not only continue to heal. But to help others find hope in the darkness and to remember to grasp ahold of life. Despite the loss because every breath we take is truly a gift.