To begin this post, I want to acknowledge how different each of our bodies are. Because of this, breastfeeding is not a linear journey but one of many ups, downs, twists, and turns. My goal with this piece is to create space for open conversations about the complexity of breastfeeding. Along with honoring my year of breastfeeding.

In this piece, I reflect on the path it took to get here; the many days filled with tears. The moments of pure serenity. The stresses. the uncertainty. The supplements. The calorie intake. The googling. The indescribable love. The joy. The figuring out how to nurse in public and of course, the lactation consultant who taught me how to respect my breast pump instead of despising the sight of it.

Below I dive deeper into some of these moments.

Days filled with tears:

“In the 50s and 60s my grandmother, fought to breastfeed her babies. This was during a time when doctors believed formula was best and women couldn’t feed their babies on breastmilk alone. Like her, I believed I could do it, so I would.”

Breastfeeding was easy and smooth for me at first. I give credit to Ina May's Guide to Breastfeeding and to my grandmother.

In the 50s and 60s my grandmother, fought to breastfeed her babies. This was during a time when doctors believed formula was best and women couldn’t feed their babies on breastmilk alone. Like her, I believed I could do it, so I would.

My baby girl latched immediately. My breast milk came in fiercely and right on time. The first couple of weeks and months were great. Finley was gaining properly, latching well, and we were finding our rhythm. Breastfeeding was everything I’d hoped it to be.

Until something shifted.

“This was my first lesson of impermanence that parenting teaches you. When something that was working stops working— try something else. Even if it seems simple, the chance can make a huge difference.”

My let-down was taking longer than usual. She’d cry, pull off, and I could tell she wasn’t getting enough. There were many days filled with tears, stress, loneliness, and I felt like I was failing. I confided in my chiropractor about the struggles we were having. She suggested switching her feeding position. I did, and just like that, she was latching again and the milk was flowing.

This was my first lesson of impermanence that parenting teaches you. When something that was working stops working— try something else. Even if it seems simple, the chance can make a huge difference.

Moments of pure serenity:

Night Feedings will forever be some of the most magical moments I’ve ever experienced. Despite waking every two hours to feed, this sleepy dreamy state, lends itself to the most peaceful moments of feeding.

“These moments bring me into a presence of witnessing the miracle of both feeding her and the reality of her.”

Laying in bed with her while she feeds and I doze. Stroking her tiny wispy hairs and her little body curled around mine while she feels the peace and comfort of my body next to hers. These moments bring me into a presence of witnessing the miracle of both feeding her and the reality of her.

When we do wean, our current early morning feeding in bed will be the hardest for me to let go.

The stress & uncertainty:

“I’ve had to surrender to a tremendous amount of trust that she is getting enough. ”

As anyone breastfeeding knows, there’s always a subconscious anxiety that your baby isn’t getting enough. Despite the doctors assuring me that she’s growing. I’ve had to surrender to a tremendous amount of trust that she is getting enough. Learning the signs that she’s finished and satisfied with feeding have helped put me at ease:

She pulls off and seems content

I feel my let-down and she's gulping

Her belly looks full

In the early months of breastfeeding, I also used the tracking app Glow Baby. It helped me to visually see how often she was feeding and for how long. Being able to look back and have data that showed me our feeding schedule gave me peace of mind that she was getting enough.

Finding a new relationship with the pump:

I hated pumping from the start. I resented this machine that made me feel like a cow. I also obsessed over never feeling like I was pumping enough which made me feel like my supply was low.

“My lactation consultant was an angel and treated me with the utmost respect. She confirmed everything I was doing was working fine. But she encouraged me to try using the pump to help boost supply.”

The stress of it brought me to reach out to a lactation consultant. I wanted to confirm I was doing everything right. My lactation consultant was an angel and treated me with the utmost respect. She confirmed everything I was doing was working fine. But she encouraged me to try using the pump to help boost supply.

She sat with me to properly adjust the pump to my body. She also gave me advice that stuck with me “supply, is about demand, not supply demand.” Meaning doing things like pumping tells the body to make more. Yet she helped put me at ease about how much I was able to pump. She shared that baby gets more when nursing than a pump might be able to get.

She also suggested taking herbal supplements to help boost my supply. However, the main ingredient in most lactation supplements is Fenugreek which hurts my stomach. I found an amazing Fenugreek-free lactation supplement called Legendairy Milk. I found their supplements help a lot for milk production.

FREE THE NIPPLE IS NOT FOR EVERYONE

“I wanted to be the badass woman with her boob out in public, confidently feeding her baby. Yet every time I tried, I felt on display.”

I wanted to be the badass woman with her boob out in public, confidently feeding her baby. Yet every time I tried, I felt on display. I found it hard to relax and relaxation is key while breastfeeding.

It also takes away from the quiet bond we have alone together in our house. So when I finally started using a breastfeeding shawl, it gave me the added comfort I needed to feed in public. It also helped Finley to focus and not get distracted by whatever was happening around us.

It removed the pressure to breastfeed openly in public. It’s simply not for everyone.

EAT WHEN BABY EATS

Breastfeeding takes a tremendous amount of nutrients from the body. This is why breastfeeding can help in losing baby weight after pregnancy.

“For me, nursing felt like it sucked everything from me. I lost my baby weight extremely fast and continued to watch myself shrivel. ”

For me, nursing felt like it sucked everything from me. I lost my baby weight extremely fast and continued to watch myself shrivel. Unlike pregnancy, where I felt hungry all the time, I’ve had to force myself to eat more calories than I might normally. Being extra aware to eat when she eats.

I was a vegetarian/pescatarian for 5 years before and during pregnancy. But 5-months postpartum my hair started falling out. Though they say this “shedding” is normal, I felt nutrient depleted and defiant. I decided it was time to start eating meat again and give my body a lot more fat. I noticed a difference right away in my overall energy levels and an increase in my milk supply. In my childbearing year, witnessing the nutritional needs of my body has been fascinating and I’ve learned so much.

Tomorrow my baby turns 1! My goal was to nurse her for at least a year. I’m deeply proud that we made it! The next phase in our journey will be weaning but the thought of it brings me to tears. Neither of us are ready. Though I can feel the beginning of that chapter unfolding and I’m prepared for yet another transition in soul, body, and mind.

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